Today I am okay
This is going to straight up be a journal entry. Profundity being subjective, enjoy whatever it is I’m about to say. Treat it like you just rummaged through my room and you found my journal with a big ‘ol ERICS EYES ONLY on the cover but you’re so taken by the idea of knowing my inner most secrets so you crack the spine (its not a new book no idea why it’s making that sound) and you dip into my waters.
Is this a little horny? sure. Are we role playing? kinda. As with profundity, sexual arousal can be subjective. I have jerked off into a shoe.
Today I am okay. Im slowly finding my footing back into a new version of my life that I hadn’t anticipated. My brother unexpectedly died a few months ago and its completely changed the way I live. Yes theres all of the ‘you never know how much time you have’ and ‘seize the day’ and ‘tell people you love them’ sort of echoey platitudanal phrases that we confront when faced with death. How could you not? The sudden loss of someone is almost hallucinatory in the way it fully just shakes your shit up and plops you right back into your struggles months later. In this shake up I am changed. And speaking of reiterative phrases, how could I not be? I loved him very much and I look back at our last text and I think about his laugh and I think about his pain in life and the joy that he experienced and the movies we watched and the shows we saw and the dreams we shared and guilt we carried and all of the messy shit we took from emotionally immature family dynamics and the complex difficulty of life and the beauty of being two gay guys. 14 months apart. I wish we had a future to see each other grow into the people we hope to become. But we don’t and that is okay.
I spent years so stressed and worried about the future. What my life will become and what dreams would come to fruition in my life. What goals I would accomplish and how I would pivot if those dreams never came around. Will I die tomorrow? What would that look like and how would people manage? I hate to be a burden. God I hate to be a burden. But the unfortunate thing about that line of thinking is that it does nothing but speculate on versions of your life that don’t exist. Maybe they will one day but who fucking cares. What is your life today? By pulling myself into the present moment as vigorous and as intentional as I can, I get to live my life. Flowing through the whimsy of sporadic decisions and working on my goals. I get to experience today without interruption in whatever form that day is going to be for me. Same goes for the past. Languishing in the what if’s of decisions gone by and the shame of mistakes and and treatment of others as well as myself, I’m pulling myself out of my current day to fixate on an immovable object. You cannot change what has already happened but you can affect your present moment to reflect a future that you want to inhabit.
SO that’s what the fuck I am doing. Will I sell a script? who knows. Do I want to? Absolutely. I want to write and to change people through my scripts. I want to see a big credit “screenplay by Eric La Febre” on some big critically and publicly celebrated film. I want to make enough money where I am comfortable enough for quick trips and spontaneous exploration. I want to pay off my debts and enjoy money I make. But I don’t have any of that right now. Nor have I ever had any of that and that’s okay. I am so privileged in so much of who I’ve become with what I’ve been given and I am so in love with myself and proud of the person I’ve become.
Be here today. With yourself and with each other and enjoy this moment. Enjoy the happenstance of where you are versus where you’ve come from. Thank the luck of your path and be curious about what’s to come from the place you're currently at. Everything is fucked for the most part anyways so what do we have if not the love we carry for ourselves and for each other.
My beautiful husband took this photo. I love him with all I have.